I spent decades self-silencing and it did permanent damage to my body…

I found myself at the ear, nose, and throat doctor with a long scope that felt like a spaghetti noodle dangling all the way down my throat.

I was searching for why I had been experiencing vocal strain, pain and hoarseness off and on for the last decade.

By dinner time every single day my voice was completely shot.

I lived like this for over a decade before I finally decided that this wasn’t normal.

I’m a speaker, author, leadership workshop facilitator, coach, and mother of 2 young children (ages 2 and 4). I use my voice A LOT.

“Well, the good news is you don’t have cancer! The bad news is you have vocal nodules and need complete vocal rest for at least 2 weeks.”

You’re kidding, I thought… I started crying and simultaneously laughing because how in the world could this be my life? Complete vocal rest for 2 weeks? I had recently become a single mom and had nearly full custody of my daughters and I make money by SPEAKING.

The ENT looked at me and said “You’ve formed some callouses on your vocal cords from speaking improperly. The only way to give them a chance to heal is to stop talking.”

I’ll save what I learned during my attempted period of vocal rest for later, but for now I want to talk about WHY the vocal nodules developed in the first place.

I was sent to a speech therapist to learn how to speak again and here is why.

My nervous system has held onto trauma in my neck and throat that is tied to not feeling accepted, afraid, or safe to speak up.

When this happens humans (including me, especially me) stop breathing. We hold our breath. Well, the first thing I learned is our breath is what starts the voice. You MUST take a breath in order to engage your diaphragm to produce sound. Okay, so I wasn’t breathing.

Great.

What else did I learn?

When I did eventually try to speak, I was so anxious that the muscles and tendons in my neck tightened up so much and I would try to force the sound out.

I even tried to speak louder and faster to sound like I had greater authority and presence. You know, like, “Hey look at me! Love me. Pay attention to me.” kind of voice.

It ruined me.

Whether I was sitting in conference rooms, around dining tables, or at gatherings with friends you would find me with my jaw clenched, neck seized up and holding my breath.

But here was the problem.

I have a lot to say.

I just never felt safe enough to say it.

I don’t really know where this journey is going to go. I’m working hard every day to heal my vocal nodules, but the deeper work is learning to breathe again and learning to trust that my voice is important and that I can feel safe to speak up in any room I am in because I am worthy.

This journey has been one of the most profound in my entire life. If you’ve read the book The Body Keeps the Score…it’s true.

My vocal nodules are the constant reminder of the self-silencing and subsequent tension, anxiety, and scarring that now live in my vocal cords.

Our voice is what allows people to learn our stories and helps them connect with us. If you don’t use it, let alone use it properly, it’s a real tragedy for our world.

As I learn to heal, I hope this message will help someone else who might have silenced themself for years. May you feel seen and know that you aren’t alone.